The opposite world

Characters: Two men, one named James. Don’t know the other’s – lets call him Ken

Occasion: Pure and innocent eavesdropping from my part

 

Ken: You know what James?

James: Yeah?

Ken: We are not doing anything

James: No?

Ken: I mean we work and all that but that’s not anything. Everyone does it

James: Hmm

Ken: We have to do something more

James: We do?

Ken: Yeah. To, you know, change this world

James: Oh

Ken: Yeah

James: What’s on your mind?

Ken: I am thinking we will change the whole system

James: Oh?

Ken: Yeah like how it works now – we will reverse it

James: How do you mean?

Ken: For instance, we will let women work while we stay home

James: What?

Ken: Yeah. And we will let animals eat humans

James: What??

Ken: Hm I am running out of ideas but you get the picture. We will aim at “the opposite”

James: One question. Why?

Ken: To change the world man

James: Again. Why?

Ken: You don’t like it?

James: No

Ken: Not one bit?

James: Not one bit

Ken: Hmm maybe you have a point

James: I think I do

Ken: Maybe we can drop the animals thing

James: We sure can

Ken: But the women thing? That too?

James: It’s not that bad. I think I can get used to not waking up early and going to work

Ken: I think I can too

James: Would it be boring?

Ken: There will be a lot to do

James: Like?

Ken: Thinking. Men are great thinkers you know

James: Yeah. And we will keep it that way? No reversing the world of thinking?

Ken: Na. I like thinking

James: Yeah. Me too. Its kind of easy.

Ken: Comes natural I’d say.

James: Yeah

Ken: Yeah

He, She - strangers in a room

Intro: As told me by a friend. Cant trust it to be the truth and nothing but the truth, friend having shown signs of undue exaggeration in the past, especially when it comes to deals with women!

Scenario (as he wanted written): A He and a She stuck in a place together – both strangers.

She: Ok we have sat for an hour not talking and pretending to look at magazines
He (Seriously engrossed in a calvin n hobbes strip): Eh?
She: I said it was time we acknowledged each other
He: Eh
She: Look we will have to spend at least 2 hours more together. And I don’t know who I should yell at for that. But now that we are here, we better talk
He: Ehhh
She: Oh my God, don’t tell me you have absolutely nothing to talk about!
He: Emm
She: Alright alright fine you have proved your point. You don’t want to talk. Fine. But just don’t start humming again please
He: Err
She: God is there anything you can pronounce without an ‘eh’?
He: I wasn’t humming
She: Oh?
He: I was trying to talk
She: Not quite your best talk was it?
He: Can I have another chance? I was trying to ask you for a long time…
She: No… I mean this is not about chance. We are just 2 different people stuck together and we don’t have a single thing to talk about! Talk of luck!
He: Hmm
She: There are so many people in this world. And look who had to come together
He: I…
She: This is an unfair world I knew it all along
He: Yea but do you…
She: And it is most unfair to – guess who? Me! Me of all the creatures!
He: I have to ask…
She: And you just want to talk talk talk! You cant stand letting me talk for a bit can you? No all you men are the same. No one wants to listen!
He: Oh…
She: Don’t oh-me!
He: Ok but can I ask just one thing? I promise you can do all the talking after that.
She: Alright what?
He: Do you know where the bathroom is?

Why you shouldnt be honest to women!

Intro: As narrated to me by John, a friend. he asked me to name this Why you shouldn’t be honest to women. Don’t like the title, but owe the story to him! Hmph! And his other choice was "How women can be so persistently annoying"!!!

Characters: John, Anu
Scenario: Watching a TV channel.

Anu: I can’t be a reporter
John: Why not?
Anu: I have a bad face
John: Oh yeah
Anu: What do you mean oh yeah?
John: Mm what did you mean when you said bad face?
Anu: I meant bad as in ugly
John: I mean oh as in oh and yeah as in yeah
Anu: Meaning you agree
John: With what?
Anu: That I am ugly
John: Oh I didn’t think of that
Anu: Which means you do
John: Of course not
Anu: Then?
John: I meant oh yeah a reporter essentially calls for a good face
Anu: So you think I don’t have one?
John: I didn’t say that
Anu: Which means its bad?
John: Not entirely
Anu: Not entirely? What kind of word is that?
John: Entirely like in wholly or completely or totally
Anu: Thanks a lot!
John: Sure anytime
Anu: You have come to my home, called me ugly, insulted me and act like you have done me a favour
John: I have?
Anu: Lets conclude this the easy way. Choose one word for me- Good or bad, I don’t want to hear anything else
John: Good
Anu [cheering up]: Really? You really think I look good?
John: I said you are a good person
Anu [cheering down]: Cut out that crap! Looks! Good or bad???
John: Emm
Anu: Good or Bad! Now!
John: Between
Anu: Huh?
John: Its in between, its not good but its not ugly
Anu: Not good?! You said not good?! To my face?! Oh my God! I cant believe anyone can be so mean!
John: And I cant believe I stuck to my new year resolution so hard!
Anu: what resolution?
John: Not to lie and...
Anu: What?
John: Actually listen to women!

And they love me!

Characters: Kavya, me, Kitty, Nita
Occasion: Onam celebrations

Me: Oh wow they have soap bubbles
Kitty: Yeah yeah so don’t start bobbing up and down now
Nita: We will get one
Kavya: Are you 2 crazy? How old do you think we are? 5?
Me: Its not that different. A few fivers together and we have our age
Kitty: My my Ann! Aren’t you bright?
Nita: Come on girls, don’t act childish, quit fighting and lets get them bubbles
Me: Am with you
Nita and I rush to get it. Reluctantly Kavya and Kitty joins.
Kavya: Hmm sometimes I wonder who the problem is with? Them or me?
Kitty: Same here Kavya.
Nita and I are busily blowing bubbles and laughing.
Kavya: Alright that’s enough
Nita: What, we just started!
Kavya: I wasn’t talking about you
Nita: Huh?
Kavya: Come on Kitty, lets say our line
Kitty: If you cant fight ‘em, join ‘em?
Kavya: Yup
Me: I like that line
Nita: I do too and I will pretend its not because you guys finally had sense to realize what’s fun
Kitty: I wonder why I am like this sometimes? What happened to me!
Nita: Its not your fault. You lost something we didn’t, fifteen years ago
Kitty didn’t ask what, and Nita was so obviously wanting her to. So I asked
Me: What?
Nita [to Kitty]: your childhood.
Kitty was angry I asked the obvious and threw her entire soap solution over me. Unfortunately, Nita failed to recognize her ally in me and guffawed like an idiot. So did the mature-Ks.
What’s worse, the idiots started sucking from my head and blowing bubbles.
Me: That’s six broken legs, and three twisted noses for next week.
Kavya [knocking my head]: And a dumb head! Oh but we have always had that!
Kitty: Now thats its soaked, it might show signs of sanity
Nita: Naah my pal Ann would never betray her head!
That was too much for me. I knew I had to do something, but I wasnt sure what. So I cried.
Nita, Kitty and Kavya looked at each other and sang in chorus: And we love you!
That was in the music of 'And I love her', by Beatles.
I hid behind a bush. Sheesh!
(Secretly, cherish the moment)

Eating cake was divine, musicial and artistic

Characters: Nita, Me, Kavya, Kavya's Ma
Background: In Kavya’s living room, dining room
Kavya is skipping channels on the TV. Nita and I plan to escape to her dining room and attack her cocoa cake.

Action

Nita took one piece of cake.
Me: Wow that’s a huge piece girl
Nita: Really? I thought it small. Now listen Ann, let me show you the art of enjoying a piece of cocoa cake.
Me: Hehe alright
Nita: See there is a rear end and a front end. The front end has a thick coating of, err black cream
Me: Chocolate coating
Nita: The front end has a thick coating of Chocolate. That’s the best part and you always keep the best for the end.
Me: Right
Nita: So I start at the rear, like this (takes a huge bite), now you just close your eyes and listen to that
Me: Listen to what?
Nita: The flow, of the cake. As it goes into your mouth and all around it. Ahhh its as good as listening to music (Proceeds to take on a funny expression to show enjoyment)
Me: (Laughs) Mmph
Nita: You don’t believe me? Its cause you never learnt the art. Now take the next bite. Ahhh, its so pleasant… (proceeds to move around, like in a ballroom dance)
Me: What are you doing? Kavya’s Ma will see
Nita: I cant help it dear. The cake is making me do this. Music and dance just comes into your body and makes you an addict
Me: Oh come on Nita!
Nita: And then the last part, the front end, the coating. Ahh its so divine…
Me: Oh God
Nita: If you want to dance or listen to real good music Ann, just go have a piece of cocoa cake. Beats all Michael Jacksons in the world
Me: I will agree with that, can you toss me a piece
Nita: (Looking insulted) Never ask me to toss food Ann, it shows disrespect. Here
Me: Mm this is good
Nita: Now close your eyes and listen. You will get music
Me: (Follows advice, listens, dances) You were right. It is artistic
(The 2 of us proceeds to dance keeping eyes closed and faces expressing intense involvement)
Kavya: What the heck are you two devils upto!!! What in the world are you doing Ann
Kavya’s Ma: (Proceeding from next room) Don’t stop them dear, they are experiencing divination right Nita dear?
Nita: (Looking scarlet) Yes Aunty hehehe
Me: Hehehe
Kavya’s Ma: (Smiles) Go on, help yourselves, have more
Nita and Me in unison: No thanks Aunty, that’s enough
Nita and I in unison again: Ok Kavya, we are off for now

(Hurries to front door, rushes off, not a word spoken to each other till on the street, we burst out laughing)

Everyone is abnormal

Characters and background:
Two men, T and P, lying down on park, facing the sky. T has his hands behind his head, P is trying to get some shut-eye.

Script

T: You know, I think everyone with domestic problems have this craving to have a normal life somewhere, somehow. At school or college or office or anywhere outside home.
P: Mm. And normal people don’t like it?
T: Nope. Their life is so normal and dull, they think they need some excitement in life, some action. So they try to go wild with it after a few years and go to the other extremes.
P: Like drinking?
T: Yup. Drinking, smoking, drugs, girls.
P: Come on man, girls aint that bad.
T: Hmm easy for you to say P. You don’t have one. But my point is they go after the abnormal.
P: Ok so what are you?
T: I am thinking. I wonder which is better. Cause when you don’t have problems, you go and find them or else you already have them
P: I guess it changes from one generation to the other. You come from a problematic house, you go seek normal life but the next generation, your kids will be bored and go get abnormal
T: Exactly P. In the end, it comes down to this: everyone is abnormal - either you are born that way or you grow up to be! Life sucks!
P: I kinda like it
T: Like what?
P: Life.
T: Huh? After all that sick normal and abnormal stuff, you still like it?
P: Yeah and what would you prefer? A grave and a tombstone?
T: Hmm well when you put it that way
P: Yeah
T: Guess life is alright
P: Yup
T: Hmm

Life is a bore

Characters: Girl called Kitty, Guy called Andrew and Me.
Background: A living room

Kitty: Am bored
Andrew: Thats nice
Me: [smirk]
Kitty [ignoring all this]: Its not my fault, thats the way life is
Andrew: Yes yes bad life. Having the nerve to be boring
Me: [smirk]
Kitty: Would you cut that out Ann!
Me: [Attempting to wipe off smirk, ends up guffawing]
Kitty [Back to ignoring me]: You people are not serious about this! One day when you are 40 you will regret
Andrew: Err what?
Me: That we didnt say life was a bore
Andrew and me: [Combined guffawing]
Kitty: Ok its next to impossible but let me try pour some sense into you clowns
Andrew and me: [Still at it]
Kitty: What have you two bright little monsters achieved so far in life?
Andrew: [raising hand]
Kitty [sighing]: Go on
Andrew: Education. I scored I scored
Kitty: Education. What good is that if it only teaches you to act like a bafoon.
Andrew: Hmph
Me: Friends
Kitty: Thanks for thinking Ann. But that doesnt count. You guys are talking about profitless gains. I am not asking for monetory gains but something beyond this emm
Andrew: Moneyless stuff?
Kitty: Yea... say if your education took you to NASA or the business world like TATA or at least to the creative world of the likes of Rowling there was a point. But you guys are going to end up working in boring boring jobs.. Good for noone, defnitely not good for you
Me: All jobs are boring?
Kitty: O'course. Do you think those guys you see walking around in ties and tags are having fun in there?
Andrew: Alright so whats your plan?
Kitty: My plan?
Andrew: Yeah what are you going to do about this sad state of affairs?
Me: Yeah what Kitty?
Kitty: Absolutely nothing
Me: Hah?
Kitty: I am just a brooder. I find out these things. Its not up to me to act.
Andrew: You mean the way you bring meaning to life, profitable gains, is by finding out everyday that life is not worth living?
Kitty: It is. Its just boring.
Andrew: You know what Kitty, I am dropping my MBA plans. I am joining you!
Kitty: You are?
Andrew: Of course it is so much more interesting, the path you chose in life!
Kitty: Err
Me: Me too me too
Kitty: You too what?
Me: I wanna do nothing in life too. I want to be a brooder.
Kitty: Ok smart guys. Enough. Cant a girl sit and brood an afternoon on life and its misorganized ways without 2 dumboes like you wrecking it!
Andrew: I am serious.
Me: I am starting already. Life is such a bore. It is such an agony
Andrew: Its a pain in the neck. It pounces on you when you least expect it
Me: And eat you up. On the other hand when you look at it expecting, waiting
Andrew: It turns its ugly back on you and leave you with nothing
Me: Absolutely nothing
Kitty [trying to get out some words in between clenched teeth and red face finally ends up guffawing]
Andrew: Look who is not serious now
Me: I can just see the day 20 years later when she is going to regret this childish act
Andrew: Mmph
Me: Mmph
[Group guffaw]